I haven't written in awhile.
My husband has told me what a good outlet this is for me. (and I agree, it's just finding the time.)
Well today I am not really feeling great, actually I haven't felt GREAT in awhile.
Depression? Anxiety? Overwhelmed?
All three.
It usually comes in waves.
It's been a wave lately.
When it comes down to it, I am just overwhelmed with life.
Having 3 kids, 4 and under is just a lot some days. Lately it's been a lot, a lot of the time.
I think the problem that's been a major kick back for me is that ALL the time I needed, all the time there is a little person hanging on my leg, all the time is their someone needing me. While I have learned to love this some days it's just TOO MUCH and sometimes I need someone. It seems this season of our life is just a really long one. The never ending diaper changes, the clicking in and out of the car seats, the taking on too much in fear of disappointing someone, the little sweet girls with such sass, such loving bright stubborn children, I am thankful and yet completely burned out.
I see women that can just go through life with little kids like it's a breeze and here I am STILL struggling a lot of days to not call into Jillian's preschool so I don't have to leave the house. I actually hate leaving the house, it's become a comfort for me. I am stuck here all the time, I am pleading for someone to just notice how much I am suffering, how lonely I am, how much I just can't seem to escape this awful pain that I feel everyday. How can I be surrounded by three little girls that love me all the time and yet find myself crying half the day away because I just can't get anything clean, I can't get the laundry folded, I can't keep up after a house of 5 anymore. It's just too much. It's overwhelming. Everyday dishes. Everyday laundry. Everyday no end in sight.
I am a lonely stay at home mom. I wish I could get a job, go back to school, but I am afraid that's not the answer. It's not the answer, we can't afford that, I can't afford that, I can't find time to make it to the gym (if you've noticed I've gotten fat again, I know), I can't find time to just take a shower without someone banging on the door, I can't find time to just have silence. I can't find time even for myself and the small amount that I do is just not enough. One minute doesn't equal the day that I am needing. Or the several days. Or just a weekend away.
When you have 3 kids, getting a day off just doesn't happen. It's more work than it's worth.
I feel guilty for feeling this way about being a Mom. I know so many people that would give anything to hold their babies one more time. I feel terrible guilt. It's the selfishness in me that says I can't do it anymore, that I am breaking down, that I am just tired. All the time I am tired.
