Journey

I keep going back and forth on what to write. My heart is pulling me here today.

I was asked why I wasn't going to continue writing on our Sweet Baby Mallory blog, the reason is that chapter is done. I am not the same person that I was then. Time to elaborate.

Some miraculously amazing things happened in the last year.

Early 2012 a fellow oncology mom posted a link to a family camp for childhood cancer. So I filled it out not really thinking anything of it. That sounds like fun and after Mallory we could really use a vacation.

A few months later (my mind is kind of fuzzy on the exact time frame) we received our acceptance letter from them. I was reading the information on it, and I said to my husband "Wow it's all free, we just have to show up". We weren't sure how the girls were going to be and I don't think we really understood what we were walking into.

The camp is Starlite Shores, it's mission is to serve families living through childhood cancer, offering them an environment to be relaxed, be renewed, and be restored. CHECK IT OUT! <--- application to be a volunteer or a family if you have a child battling childhood cancer. We have met so many amazing people through this and we just feel such passion in our hearts for what they are doing for families like ours. We were truly blessed to be apart of this amazing experience.

And for us it was life changing, the thing about this was it wasn't just the camp itself (which I can't really put to words how incredible this experience was) but it was the things that happened after we left that really spoke to our hearts.

During Mallory's treatment I couldn't pray, I'm not sure if it was I couldn't or I wouldn't but all I know is it didn't happen. We had a pastor that would visit with us and as he prayed I closed my eyes and just listened, never really able to put my faith in God at that point. When Mallory went in for her first surgery, I took a bunch of xanax and just sat there, numb, not really feeling anything, not praying, I would say I'm praying but to be honest I never spoke a word to God over those 6 months of our lives. I felt a tug here and there as our family and friends kept praying, sending us bible verses, anything and I just kept moving past them. I tried but I couldn't.

We had talked a lot about finding a church, we were invited to many different services when Mallory was in treatment and afterwards but we just never did it. I kept coming up with excuses in my head. I wasn't raised in a family where we went to church every Sunday so the thought is very strange and uncomfortable for me.

My husband was invited to speak at South Harbor (the church that the leaders from the camp attend) about our experience at Starlite Shores. He did a fantastic job, we were really feeling good about going and everyone was so genuinely sweet to us. The mission of the church is "Helping people find their way back to God". <---I really didn't expect this to speak to us they way it has, I didn't think I was ready to let God in. What a big fat lie that was.

The next week we went when they didn't have childcare, this equals us and our non sitting still ants in our pants children being loud, poking the guy next to us, and ultimately led us to walk out in the middle of the service. We just left. There was NO way we were going back and we sat in silence the entire ride to Ryan's parents house after a big blow up. They have you fill out a visitor card, I had never done that before but for some reason I did that day (I'm sure now that this was a God moment). A few days later a woman called me and she must have caught us battling our children on the way out, me giving my husband death stares, and she probably could feel from wherever she was the discouragement and lack of grace we had at that exact moment. . God really pulled me to fill out that visitor card and to answer that phone call.

So we pushed through and made ourselves go again. Getting out the door was a struggled, there was yelling, and children crying and just a disaster. (I was also 6 or 7 months pregnant with Kate). They had child care that day so we signed the girls in and sat down. What we felt was peace, we made it, we were here. As the service went on every song we sang, every word that was spoke really made us feel like this is where we should be. God was speaking to our hearts that day and it just has continued to grow, everyday. . .

So every week since then we've made an effort to go, at this point we were feeling good but a lot of days we struggled. We struggled with the winter crud, with grouchy kids, we are not morning people so to get out the door has been a major challenge. Last week was one of the first weeks where minimal tears were shed by our kids, they were excited, and we made it our the door and to church flawlessly. (We had a repeat this week too!)

I've never prayed like I am now. But this is our new chapter, this is our new beginning, this is something that we feel strongly about. This blog is what God called me to do at this point in our lives. To share our love for Him, to share our children, to encourage others, to really pray, and to put our God at the top of our lives. I'm feeling at peace in so many areas that I have really struggled with the last 2.5 years. It is a peace I could not have found any place but with God.

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

I am glad this season is over and so blessed that the road led us to here.
(and tomorrow is bread recipe sharing day!)

Tomato To - MAHHHHH - to

I stay at home with the kids and during Kate's pregnancy I was L-A-Z-Y. My kids ate so many frozen waffles and grilled cheese it's ridiculous. I did not enjoy Kate's pregnancy (burning ribs, heartburn, and just extreme exhaustion). I am sure it had a lot to do with running after a 3 year old and a 1 year old but it was just really hard to find motivation to do anything. I was up to my eyeballs in laundry, dishes, pretty much everything.

 

We had an amazing garden this past year, only half of it produced vegetables but the things that did survive did REALLY WELL. For our first year we had tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers coming at us faster than we knew what to do with. Most people we talked to didn't get squat, us, we had over 300 of those beautiful ripe tomatoes. So being pregnant and lazy I really didn't want to deal with these, we ate what we could and put gallon size freezer bags. We filled 3/4's of our chest freezer in the basement.

 

I talked to my Mother in law about doing a baking day, but low and behold I had hundreds of tomatoes in the freezer. Not really ideal when you need to store frozen bread. My kids are in love with her bread, they'll eat it for a meal when she sends some home. Not going to lie I love her bread too! So we're baking poppy seed bread, pumpkin muffins (Jillian calls these Birfday Cake), butter pecan bread, and carrot bread. I would make banana bread too but Jillian ate all of my bananas. I will share the recipies after we make them! You won't be dissapointed! So I had no option but to deal with our mass overabundance of tomatoes.

 

So anyways Sunday night I researched canning and found some recipes that sounded good and got to cooking. Do NOT start this process at 8pm at night, we finally finished around 2am and that was only 1 batch. Especially when you think you have everything and end up having to go to Meijer at 10 to get a massive pot because the ones your have won't fully cover the jars. Whoops.

 

 

The recipes I tried came from here ;-)

 

Our house smelled amazing.

 

We spent forever peeling skins, cutting vegetables, and googling "how to can" and each and every step was a big process. The last taste test before we canned was delicious! I haven't actually made anything with them but hopefully we didn't mess it up too bad. I'll be giving a few jars away to some guinea pigs to try. :-) Yes I know you expert gardners and canners are shaking your heads in shame that I froze all those tomatoes and it took me months to actually getting around to using them but I did it and hopefully the labor that was put into them was worth it. If not ohh well. We ended up with 12 pints of pizza sauce, 12 pints and 6 quarts of "basketti sauce".

 

(and yes I am aware these say 2013 but that's when we harvested so I decided to write that on them instead of when we actually canned.)

 

We will be doing a garden again this year, last year was our first time doing it so I think I was pretty overwhelmed but now we have an idea of what we're doing so hopefully it will make the process more fluent. I was going to try to do some Salsa but that was a little overwhelming so I stuck to just Pizza Sauce and Spaghetti Sauce and with research I will hopefully master salsa this summer! I really am excited and now I need to come up with a good game plan for this coming year. Tips, tricks, and suggestions would be awesome!

 

(Kate wasn't loving all the time I took away from her to make our tomatos especially when she won't get any.)

I'll have another post soon, I've been working on it and praying about it.

 

  

Joy, Hope, and Healing

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

Our Children were given to us for a reason. God.

He gave us Kate because he knew we needed to heal and she has brought that in mass amounts. She brings us healing, so much healing.

He gave us Mallory because he knew we could handle it, that her journey was going to bring us to where we are today. He knew her battle would be the one to break us and to bring us back again. She brings us hope, so much hope.

He gave us Jillian, our first sweet baby as a reminder of his unconditional love. Hearing our sweet girl sing songs to the Lord is something that has taught us that Children are precious and ultimately they belong to Him and we are just borrowing them here on Earth. She brings us Joy, so much Joy.

Ohhh sweet children I wish we could keep you this small forever. I wish we could bottle up your smell . I wish you would never have to hurt, or feel disappointment, or to grow weary...

Dear Lord please let us find a way to breathe our children in., to find a way to nurture them, to love them, and to help us everyday to do the right things for them. We thank you for lending them to us and will do everything we can to raise them to Love You, to know Your word, to obey it, and to really know You. Amen.

I was so angry, bitter, and resentful when Mallory was diagnosed. I would find myself screaming and cursing and just did not fair well through that period in our lives. The thing about that is when I look back at that I am so grateful for many things. Dear Lord I am so thankful. Amen.

My husband was also given to our children, and to me. He brings us Love, so much Love. One thing about marriage, about being with someone, is that you really have to work at it. The minute you stop giving is the minute everything starts crumbling. Ryan and I are survivors, survivors of something that could have easily left us broken and sent us our separate ways. From this we continue to search for healing, we continue to pray for guidance, and ultimately we need God for our marriage. Dear Lord I am so blessed for this man, my husband, that you have given to me. He has brought me such joy, love, and hope. I pray for our marriage that you would bring us closer together, that you would heal us, that you would show us how to Love more like you. We pray to be more God Like. Amen.