Journey

I keep going back and forth on what to write. My heart is pulling me here today.

I was asked why I wasn't going to continue writing on our Sweet Baby Mallory blog, the reason is that chapter is done. I am not the same person that I was then. Time to elaborate.

Some miraculously amazing things happened in the last year.

Early 2012 a fellow oncology mom posted a link to a family camp for childhood cancer. So I filled it out not really thinking anything of it. That sounds like fun and after Mallory we could really use a vacation.

A few months later (my mind is kind of fuzzy on the exact time frame) we received our acceptance letter from them. I was reading the information on it, and I said to my husband "Wow it's all free, we just have to show up". We weren't sure how the girls were going to be and I don't think we really understood what we were walking into.

The camp is Starlite Shores, it's mission is to serve families living through childhood cancer, offering them an environment to be relaxed, be renewed, and be restored. CHECK IT OUT! <--- application to be a volunteer or a family if you have a child battling childhood cancer. We have met so many amazing people through this and we just feel such passion in our hearts for what they are doing for families like ours. We were truly blessed to be apart of this amazing experience.

And for us it was life changing, the thing about this was it wasn't just the camp itself (which I can't really put to words how incredible this experience was) but it was the things that happened after we left that really spoke to our hearts.

During Mallory's treatment I couldn't pray, I'm not sure if it was I couldn't or I wouldn't but all I know is it didn't happen. We had a pastor that would visit with us and as he prayed I closed my eyes and just listened, never really able to put my faith in God at that point. When Mallory went in for her first surgery, I took a bunch of xanax and just sat there, numb, not really feeling anything, not praying, I would say I'm praying but to be honest I never spoke a word to God over those 6 months of our lives. I felt a tug here and there as our family and friends kept praying, sending us bible verses, anything and I just kept moving past them. I tried but I couldn't.

We had talked a lot about finding a church, we were invited to many different services when Mallory was in treatment and afterwards but we just never did it. I kept coming up with excuses in my head. I wasn't raised in a family where we went to church every Sunday so the thought is very strange and uncomfortable for me.

My husband was invited to speak at South Harbor (the church that the leaders from the camp attend) about our experience at Starlite Shores. He did a fantastic job, we were really feeling good about going and everyone was so genuinely sweet to us. The mission of the church is "Helping people find their way back to God". <---I really didn't expect this to speak to us they way it has, I didn't think I was ready to let God in. What a big fat lie that was.

The next week we went when they didn't have childcare, this equals us and our non sitting still ants in our pants children being loud, poking the guy next to us, and ultimately led us to walk out in the middle of the service. We just left. There was NO way we were going back and we sat in silence the entire ride to Ryan's parents house after a big blow up. They have you fill out a visitor card, I had never done that before but for some reason I did that day (I'm sure now that this was a God moment). A few days later a woman called me and she must have caught us battling our children on the way out, me giving my husband death stares, and she probably could feel from wherever she was the discouragement and lack of grace we had at that exact moment. . God really pulled me to fill out that visitor card and to answer that phone call.

So we pushed through and made ourselves go again. Getting out the door was a struggled, there was yelling, and children crying and just a disaster. (I was also 6 or 7 months pregnant with Kate). They had child care that day so we signed the girls in and sat down. What we felt was peace, we made it, we were here. As the service went on every song we sang, every word that was spoke really made us feel like this is where we should be. God was speaking to our hearts that day and it just has continued to grow, everyday. . .

So every week since then we've made an effort to go, at this point we were feeling good but a lot of days we struggled. We struggled with the winter crud, with grouchy kids, we are not morning people so to get out the door has been a major challenge. Last week was one of the first weeks where minimal tears were shed by our kids, they were excited, and we made it our the door and to church flawlessly. (We had a repeat this week too!)

I've never prayed like I am now. But this is our new chapter, this is our new beginning, this is something that we feel strongly about. This blog is what God called me to do at this point in our lives. To share our love for Him, to share our children, to encourage others, to really pray, and to put our God at the top of our lives. I'm feeling at peace in so many areas that I have really struggled with the last 2.5 years. It is a peace I could not have found any place but with God.

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

I am glad this season is over and so blessed that the road led us to here.
(and tomorrow is bread recipe sharing day!)