Sick Days

So you all have been so great praying for me to get some sleep and sleep I did.

Not in the form I was really wanting. This mom got pink eye and about 24 hours of sleep.

I am on the mend today, my eyes look AWESOME and no I won't be sharing that with you but enjoy a picture of sleeping Kate instead.

It has managed to not get the hubs or the baby which I am VERY thankful for. Keep praying for continued healing and health for them.

We missed church on Sunday and my fabulous Niece's birthday but we weren't about to expose anyone else to this. I am very cautious of bringing my kids anywhere when it is more than just some boogers and a cough. No one wants our germs and we don't want yours either. I think it's part of the Oncology Mom in me that makes me extra careful about this because when Mallory was sick we never left the house. If I ran into anyone that was sick I was darn near bathing myself in hand sanitizer (if you walk into either door in our house we DO have sanitizer on the walls from chemo days). We were very fortunate for her to remain fairly healthy through that period, since she ended chemotherapy unfortunately now she is SICK what feels like all the time. We have dealt with ongoing coughs, colds, bronchitis, ear infections and other sorts of fun stuff like pink eye. Not sure what the deal is but they tell me it has nothing to do with her ending treatment, who really knows. Maybe she would have just been one of those sick kids wiping boogers off her face and smearing it into her hair even if she didn't have cancer treatment. She is however the HAPPIEST sick child, like beaming, and I have been hesitant to bring her in because she really just goes with the flow.

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

I took the opportunity to CLEAN HOUSE. Which for those of you who are new to my nonsense rants (to be honest I'm fairly new to this and kind of love it) but I HATE laundry, like really think it's the dumbest chore EVER. So I spent Sunday, folding, washing, hanging, repeating for what seemed like all freaking day and now the dungeon is clean. It felt really good to get that out of the way. Someone must have lit a fire under my butt because I even (with the help from my husband) managed to clean our storage room. This room was DANGEROUS. Like nails, screws, pieces of wood, pretty much tetanus brewing and waiting to happen at any moment. This is where we store formula, the girls old clothes, and any miscellaneous junk we have. It too looks like a dungeon. After 6 years living here we still had boxes that we've never opened, so open I did, and I managed to come up with a ton of things to donate. My pile is growing! It is a reminder that we need to really think our purchases through and not just buy things to buy things, sometimes I have a big problem with this just because it's on sale doesn't mean we need it. My husband built us these fabulous shelves and I'm excited to be able to really organize!

I started a new project that I am geeked about. We have a spice rack that I'm positive we only used a handful of times because it came with a bunch of junky cheap spices that we had never heard of. So this beautiful spice rack has been on our counter collecting dust. I decided that it either needed to go or we needed to use it with our own spices so we opened all the jars, dumped them, soaked them, ripped the labels off and are in the process of redoing them. I'm sure the finished product with be FANTASTIC!

These are all great label options that we're looking at!

and I joined twitter @fromfreetothree
because I don't have a lot on my plate between my husband, kids, facebook and my blog


P.S I hit 1100 views! I promise you that I did not refresh my page that many times! You guys ROCK! Have a virtual high five!!!

 

Sleep

What's grosser than gross?
Answer : Eye Balls
What's grosser than that?
Answer : Having to put eye ointment near my sweet Mallory's eyeball.

Hello Pink Eye, this is a new adventure for us.

We've done eye drops, ear drops, heck we've even given Mallory shots in her legs daily after she did rounds of chemo but something about eyeballs and rubbing an ointment near them is what grosses me out the most.

Jillian had eye surgery at 16 months old, we did glasses, eye patching, and then eventually ended up with her having surgery to correct her lazy eye (she won the jackpot in vision on top of the lazy eye she has astigmatism and near sighted vision both of which will end her up in glasses eventually again). You should really youtube "strabismus surgery", we couldn't get past the first few seconds of that. Eyeballs = gross. <*can't believe we did that to our kid*>

My husband and I both wear eyeball protectors (lets hope this phrase takes off!). Our entire family wears glasses except my little brother. We're just an awesome nerdy family like that. If the Zombie apocalypse happened and someone broke our glasses, we'd be done for.

I haven't really had a ton of time to update this like I envisioned but I'm sure with time and when Miss Kate is consistently in bed for the night I'll get better but I've been throwing down ideas, little stories, and thoughts. Currently I'm rocking a bath robe over my pajamas, AWESOME hair (like Medusa awesome), and I probably smell but priorities ha. On top of pink eye, Miss Spunky Jillian is rocking a fever, cough, and some major blah's right now. I'm going on about a week or more of broken sleep that equals a crazy Ashley.

This is something that is ROUGH for me, I am not a graceful person when I do not get enough sleep. The problem with this is I am also an insomniac. I've got one of those really cool brains that NEVER shuts off. I've done therapy and they attempted to give me a bunch of suggestions but I've never had success. Even sleep deprived with an 8 week old, here I am, sucking at sleep. Praying for sleep. Oh Lord give me sleep. Then 2 out of 3 of my kids get sick (not the baby *knock on wood*) so the truth is I'm not sure when I'll get a full night and my mental health tends to suffer a lot. I opened my heart when Mallory was sick and suffered a huge mental breakdown after 7 months of severe sleep deprivation. I have to remind myself I am human, not super mom, and sometimes I just have ask for help. I'm not there yet to a complete mental breakdown but I also know I don't want to EVER get back there.

Mathew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
So I am praying for rest, for the healing of my children, and for strength right now. Please pray for me.

Thank you for listening, I love my life even if I have to put eye ointment on my kids eyeball which is totally gross if you didn't catch on to that.

PS: my SD card is full on my tablet and I'm too lazy to upload real pictures because I really should get to that shower now so you'll just have to wait to see pictures of my cute kids for a later day.

What to expect when you're not expecting it.

I remember reading this book "What to expect when your expecting" and then "What to expect the 1st year" and I referenced it to every tiny thing Jillian would do. She was a later bloomer in most things kids do holding her head up, sitting up, crawling, and then walking. She was never "Late" just always at the end of the spectrum and it made me a NERVOUS wreck because of that book.

When I was pregnant with Mallory I read it and not to the extent that I did with Jillian. I had a lot of issues with Mallory's pregnancy I started contractions at 30 weeks and started to dilate so they stopped my labor told me to take it easy yadeyayaya. I really felt as if something was wrong, I told them after many ER trips that something was wrong with her. They didn't do an ultrasound even though I begged them to and I'm not sure now I would have wanted them to because what they would have found is not something you would have wanted. Not that we wanted it 2 months after her birth but we had 2 months where we had Mallory without cancer. The What to expect books touch on this subject but the paragraph is about this big

<

your kid won't have cancer, cancer is children is rare

(that's pretty much what I gathered from this section)

                                                                                                                                                           >

Fast forward to a fabulous arrival of a 7lb 10oz bleach blonde beauty with a huge stomach which at the time was ADORABLE because Jillian was twig baby, long and lanky! I finally got my fat baby so I just loved her tummy! I had a gallbladder attack that ended up in an ambulance ride, IV antibiotics and then they removed it when she was 2 weeks (This is probably the cause for my body being DUMB during pregnancy). She was great at nursing but I thought my supply had tanked from the surgery and recovering so my doctor gave me a prescription for a pill that helps with that, Nope I just walked around with full boobs. Around a month old I'd pump 4 ounces she'd eat 1 maybe. So I brought her back in, try this reflux med, try colic drops, formula, try this that and the other thing. NOTHING would help her, we finally made it to her 2 month checkup and her pediatrician was pushing on her stomach and walked out of the room and came back in again and did it again and he said that he thought she had an enlarged spleen or kidneys and we'd be set up for an ultrasound at our children's hospital to have it looked at.

We set the appointment for the next day at 7:30 because we wanted to get to the bottom of this. As my husband and I are lying in bed we googled "enlarged spleen or kidney" and it said CANCER. At that moment we shut the phone off and laid down. Done, NEVER GOOGLING EVER AGAIN.

That paragraph in that book couldn't help the roller coaster that started the next day, I didn't use it at all and honestly have no idea where it and it's little book friends went and I am happy they are gone. I am a better mom with not comparing my children to these books and how my child should be. My kids have been ALL different, there is no manual to help you with colic, there is no information about double adrenal neuroblastoma in your infant and what to expect when that happens.  There is no manual for Kate that I will be looking into. I trust that I can handle anything that comes our way and I really want to enjoy it without skipping to the next step too soon.

I am winging my parenting and I like it, I like it a lot.
When we spend so much time worrying about what we should do we miss out on so much.
Love today. Love your kids for who they are. You cannot LOVE too much.

Mathew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Candy, Cake, and Diet Coke

Today our kids were FANTASTIC that may have been mostly because I mentioned the word "Party" which my kids live for. Today's party was to celebrate one of our little oncology friends finishing chemotherapy! Wooohooo! It was one of the coolest parties we've been to which included mass amounts of candy, cake which if you walked away from for a brief second and a certain someones 2 year old stole your spot and was mowing down I apologize (not naming names but she's ours), balloon animals, and face painting. Ohhh and this little girl's dad happens to be a dentist, totally blaming my kids first cavities on this party!!!

Jillian did managed to stand in line for a half an hour to get her face painted. She is not one for waiting but she had her heart set on a rainbow. I know need to learn how to do face painting because her next birthday party, I'm doing it!! 

(and I totally instagramed my husband because he secretly loves it!)

This is a BIG BIG BIG accomplishment for our family, like maybe just maybe we can make another public appearance soon outside of church. Watch out world, The "insert insanely cool last name" may be coming to your party next!!!

My kids are "those kids", you know what I'm talking about. The ones that beg for every piece of candy their little blue eyes see. The ones that are sobbing their faces off in the target parking lot because you just gave them a time out before you even made it in the store. They will in fact throw a massive tantrum because you will not let them run wild in the store and you chuck m&m's at them because you're desperate to just get OUT. When you have the luxury of being in the store with us when we are shopping (which isn't often) you can hear me repeating "Watch out", "Come back here", "That lady is not afraid to run you over", "No we can't have that", over and over and OVER again. I actually never bring more than one kid with me because by the end of it I have mascara running down my face, sweat dripping, and I vow to NEVER do that again and that was BEFORE we had Kate. I put grocery shopping with my kids and banging my head against the wall in the same category. It pretty much works out to be just as painful.

We salute all parents with hoards of kids that can make it through the grocery store 

with more grace than we can!!!

I also take 2 hours to grocery shop when I go by myself, 20 of that is actual shopping the rest of it is spent just walking at a ridiculously slow pace to enjoy the peace and quiet (shhhh don't tell my husband). 

I did bring Jill with me to family fare tonight. Every 3 months we bring back pop cans and she LOVES it. I was actually impressed she managed to do 86 cans compared to my 136, not that we had that many or anything. Please please pretend you didn't add up the amount of money that equals. I also really recommend drinking as much pop as you can just so you can experience the pure joy a 4 year old has while returning them. It is EPIC! And yes for the record she did get candy on our way out. How could we not, Valentines candy was 50% off SCORE!

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If we haven't established this. My name is Ashley and I'm a dietcokeaholic. Hold your aspartame spheal. I've read it, my sister and dad are recovering addicts but me, I'm going strong and am convinced it's the only reason I'm a functioning member of society still. <3 <3 <3

Fat Ashley

Fat Ashley.

I know what you're thinking. Ohhh come on you had a baby 7 weeks ago, you've lost 33lbs, you're looking good.

Problem is there is a HUGE difference between feeling that way. I've had 3 babies in 4 years, my body has changed A LOT. I have never had a problem shedding pregnancy weight, in fact that's been super easy for me. 

I have NEVER felt good about my body, you'll never see me in a pair of shorts, bathing suit shopping is excruciating, and it doesn't matter if I am 140lbs or 200lbs it's all the same, dreadful.

Lets go back to high school for a moment. I went from 210lbs my freshman year to 140lbs my Sophmore year. I was no longer "Fat Ashley". 

There were a few girls in one of my classes who drew a picture of me as a pig my freshmen year. This wasn't the first time someone had done something mean or said something like that. I was teased from the day I started school to my Sophmore year. Till people noticed I was skinny. But this was the moment it really hurt, deep down it cut me, and it has left a horrible excruciating scar. I forgive those girls, they didn't know what they did could hurt a girl for years and years after the fact and still to this day.

Wanna know how I did it? I starved myself, I literally starved myself. I would get sick from not eating and when I did eat that guilt would hang over my head. Why? Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the awful snickers. I couldn't take not being pretty or popular or accepted. I was the fat kid. I haven't told many people this. I always kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. So this is me, this is part of me, a part that really downright sucks at times. 

The fat kid had never left me. I love cake, like really love it and if I wasn't at a birthday party with a dozen other people I'd probably have 3 pieces and some ice cream because I love it so much. I also love candy. I love chocolate. I just love everything under the Sun that you shouldn't eat in excess.

Why am I sharing this? Because I know I am not alone, I know there are many women that can relate to this. 

I don't have plans to run a 5k in the near future, nor does that appeal to me unless you're holding out a piece of cake in front of my face. I do want to share my journey to become the new me whether I lose weight or not. I want to love myself. I want my self confidence to glow so my girls grow up knowing they should love themselves and others. I have a lot to pray about, I have a lot to work through to get where I need to be but I'm glad I can lay it out that takes a heavy weight and makes it so much lighter. I'm praying my big transformation starts here, right now, today and that I am able to find a way to truly love what's been here all along. 

Laundry Smaundry

my day went a lot like this....

which is totally fine to have days like these. A lot of a little crazy.  but I AM EXHAUSTED (this exhaustion seeps in once a week lately and I need a break and some quiet so I can relax and not feel so overwhelmed) so I sent the husband and the girls on their way to Grandma & Grandpa's. I put them in clean pajamas, coats, and boots and scooted those adorable knuckle heads out the door as fast as possible and now I'm off to sleep but first I did write this in my spare time between that Kate up there and between Mal & Jill so enjoy. This was bound to make an appearance at some point on here, might as well get this out of the way now....

I've gotten really good at keeping my house in order lately. To the point where I feel a little guilty I spent so many days of Kate's pregnancy sitting on the couch eating sweet tarts by the truck load and not even caring if we ate mac n cheese for the 3rd day in a row. Lately I've been AMAZING,  all except one tiny thing. 

Laundry. (OHHH YES the great Ashley laundry rant, I know you probably didn't expect it this soon into my blogging career but here it is my friends.) 

 

People that actually like doing laundry, I'd like to know what your secret is? I've had a laundry intervention before (Thanks for trying Kari but I still haven't figured it out!). I just can't do it daily. I'll start on Monday where I promise myself that I will fold every load that comes out of the dryer, by Tuesday I've forgotten about my pact. 

And do people really sort whites, darks and lights? Cause I just stuff as much crap as I can fit in those machines. We don't have high efficency machines, maybe that's the problem. Nahhh, I still wouldn't do it. The only way I'd do laundry is if they could make a machine that was smart enough to fold the laundry after it finished drying, then I'd be excited.

Don't tell my girls the first task I can hand over when they get bigger is folding. I am happy to wash it, dry it, but the thought of folding actually makes me want to burn it and start all over. I am guilty of thinking this every time I step foot in that room. 

Our basket of laundry is so full I have resorted to just throwing it down the stairs hoping that it will walk it's self to the machines. It doesn't. Nope never has. 

I will not post a picture of my laundry room (you can beg all you want, ain't happenin'). It's ridiculous. We have a red painted cement floor, sea foam green walls, and laundry EVERYWHERE. Maybe if we re-did it I'd like it but probably not enough to do the laundry (I can see you Ryan! Rolling your eyes at your crazy wife). 

I just can't get it together. So yes back to your secrets about laundry does it involve fire? If not, it probably won't fix my problem.

Today

My name is Ashley and my life is nuts. (I totally wouldn't have it any other way)

I'm going to start with Today.
Today has been a good day but one that evokes so many different emotions.

Our Sweet Kate who is our third beautiful daughter fell asleep at 10 last night and only woke up once to eat, she is a wee 6 weeks old. When I look at her my heart just explodes with love. Why is 10 a big deal? Well because I have been a Mom for 4 years now, we were gifted with our first beautiful daughter, Jillian on December 30th, 2009 and then we were gifted with colic (If you have never experienced this, I assure you, it's a REAL treat!), then 20 months later we welcomed our 2nd beautiful daughter, Mallory on September 23rd, 2011. 8 weeks later and next to no sleep we had our answer it wasn't colic, our daughter was given a diagnosis of cancer (more on this later). So 10 is a big deal. I am refreshed, my heart is full, and I just can't thank the Lord enough for our beautiful daughter Kate. She is just what I needed to end this chapter of lives, the last baby for our family. We are complete.

<* insert Kate crying and Jillian needing some entertainment because the hundreds of toys we own just aren't cutting it, play dough to the rescue (Mallory is off in dreamland) *>

I have suffered from postpartum depression after each of our children, so my morning routine typically starts off with a Diet Coke and a run to the medicine cabinet for my Zoloft. It really has kept me grounded this time, it has allowed me to be a better Mother and a better Wife to my husband Ryan (who by the way is a rock star and puts up with far too much crap from me).



Today Mallory and I headed off to her 3 month oncology clinic appointment. I was lacking diet coke so we made a pit stop on our way to McDonald's which if you ever see my car we do NOT eat that much McDonald's, all those empty cups, Diet Coke. That's because I do not take my children into the gas station. I would MUCH rather go through the drive through and spare myself that insanity.

Clinic days are tough for me still, we only go every 3 months now but 2.5 years ago we were regulars there. We spent what felt like an eternity running to the Children's hospital with our sweet baby Mallory but to be fair we did what is considered an INCREDIBLY short time in terms of Childhood Cancer. She has endured 2 major open abdominal surgeries, 3 broviac placements, 6 rounds of inpatient chemotherapy, and over 25 sedation's for scans. She was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (never heard of it? Yeah, we hadn't either until November 29th, 2011). The overwhelming sense of dread hits as soon as we pull up, her cancer is in remission, the chances of survival are GREAT for her, the long term side effects are also very few for her and we haven't noticed anything alarming since she ended treatment in May 2012 but the definition of remission in cancer is the state of absence of disease activity in patients with a chronic illness, with the possibility of return of disease activity. For us this meant monthly visits until she hit 1 year post treatment, followed by 2 month visits, and now we are on every 3 months. This is GREAT but my heart aches every time we turn into the parking garage. Mallory is sweet, and yet lately kind of a spit fire but she rocked it today. She walked in like she owned the place and the only reason why her nurses, technicians, and doctors know who she is, is because I'm with her. This is GREAT. It means we are inching closer to her being called "cured", we hit this milestone May 2015 and I hate to wish away the days but I am looking forward to that day, to that moment, to celebrate, to cry, to laugh, and to start another amazing chapter of our life. Childhood Cancer is so close to our hearts and we will never forget the people that held us close, prayed for us, and cheered us on as we were falling apart. Another visit under our belts, we have to wait for the call tomorrow with her counts but I have learned to deal with some of the anxiety that comes with this waiting time. God is in control of this and I cannot do anything to change this so for now I let go and I put my faith in God that he will pull us through another day, another visit, and another phone call.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Our Girls, Our Life

 Jillian - Four

Mallory - Two

Katherine - New

I did in fact steal these off my facebook so if you know me you've probably already seen them, forgive me for the repeats but my kids are stinking adorable! They also rock pajamas almost all day unless we are required to go somewhere I must have them dressed to act like we don't actually wear pajamas everyday but in all honesty we do, we do pajamas EVERYDAY I can get away with it.

For the record my husband hates instagram, and I kind of love it, so we have to agree to disagree on this :-)