Fat Ashley

Fat Ashley.

I know what you're thinking. Ohhh come on you had a baby 7 weeks ago, you've lost 33lbs, you're looking good.

Problem is there is a HUGE difference between feeling that way. I've had 3 babies in 4 years, my body has changed A LOT. I have never had a problem shedding pregnancy weight, in fact that's been super easy for me. 

I have NEVER felt good about my body, you'll never see me in a pair of shorts, bathing suit shopping is excruciating, and it doesn't matter if I am 140lbs or 200lbs it's all the same, dreadful.

Lets go back to high school for a moment. I went from 210lbs my freshman year to 140lbs my Sophmore year. I was no longer "Fat Ashley". 

There were a few girls in one of my classes who drew a picture of me as a pig my freshmen year. This wasn't the first time someone had done something mean or said something like that. I was teased from the day I started school to my Sophmore year. Till people noticed I was skinny. But this was the moment it really hurt, deep down it cut me, and it has left a horrible excruciating scar. I forgive those girls, they didn't know what they did could hurt a girl for years and years after the fact and still to this day.

Wanna know how I did it? I starved myself, I literally starved myself. I would get sick from not eating and when I did eat that guilt would hang over my head. Why? Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the awful snickers. I couldn't take not being pretty or popular or accepted. I was the fat kid. I haven't told many people this. I always kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. So this is me, this is part of me, a part that really downright sucks at times. 

The fat kid had never left me. I love cake, like really love it and if I wasn't at a birthday party with a dozen other people I'd probably have 3 pieces and some ice cream because I love it so much. I also love candy. I love chocolate. I just love everything under the Sun that you shouldn't eat in excess.

Why am I sharing this? Because I know I am not alone, I know there are many women that can relate to this. 

I don't have plans to run a 5k in the near future, nor does that appeal to me unless you're holding out a piece of cake in front of my face. I do want to share my journey to become the new me whether I lose weight or not. I want to love myself. I want my self confidence to glow so my girls grow up knowing they should love themselves and others. I have a lot to pray about, I have a lot to work through to get where I need to be but I'm glad I can lay it out that takes a heavy weight and makes it so much lighter. I'm praying my big transformation starts here, right now, today and that I am able to find a way to truly love what's been here all along.