Today

My name is Ashley and my life is nuts. (I totally wouldn't have it any other way)

I'm going to start with Today.
Today has been a good day but one that evokes so many different emotions.

Our Sweet Kate who is our third beautiful daughter fell asleep at 10 last night and only woke up once to eat, she is a wee 6 weeks old. When I look at her my heart just explodes with love. Why is 10 a big deal? Well because I have been a Mom for 4 years now, we were gifted with our first beautiful daughter, Jillian on December 30th, 2009 and then we were gifted with colic (If you have never experienced this, I assure you, it's a REAL treat!), then 20 months later we welcomed our 2nd beautiful daughter, Mallory on September 23rd, 2011. 8 weeks later and next to no sleep we had our answer it wasn't colic, our daughter was given a diagnosis of cancer (more on this later). So 10 is a big deal. I am refreshed, my heart is full, and I just can't thank the Lord enough for our beautiful daughter Kate. She is just what I needed to end this chapter of lives, the last baby for our family. We are complete.

<* insert Kate crying and Jillian needing some entertainment because the hundreds of toys we own just aren't cutting it, play dough to the rescue (Mallory is off in dreamland) *>

I have suffered from postpartum depression after each of our children, so my morning routine typically starts off with a Diet Coke and a run to the medicine cabinet for my Zoloft. It really has kept me grounded this time, it has allowed me to be a better Mother and a better Wife to my husband Ryan (who by the way is a rock star and puts up with far too much crap from me).



Today Mallory and I headed off to her 3 month oncology clinic appointment. I was lacking diet coke so we made a pit stop on our way to McDonald's which if you ever see my car we do NOT eat that much McDonald's, all those empty cups, Diet Coke. That's because I do not take my children into the gas station. I would MUCH rather go through the drive through and spare myself that insanity.

Clinic days are tough for me still, we only go every 3 months now but 2.5 years ago we were regulars there. We spent what felt like an eternity running to the Children's hospital with our sweet baby Mallory but to be fair we did what is considered an INCREDIBLY short time in terms of Childhood Cancer. She has endured 2 major open abdominal surgeries, 3 broviac placements, 6 rounds of inpatient chemotherapy, and over 25 sedation's for scans. She was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (never heard of it? Yeah, we hadn't either until November 29th, 2011). The overwhelming sense of dread hits as soon as we pull up, her cancer is in remission, the chances of survival are GREAT for her, the long term side effects are also very few for her and we haven't noticed anything alarming since she ended treatment in May 2012 but the definition of remission in cancer is the state of absence of disease activity in patients with a chronic illness, with the possibility of return of disease activity. For us this meant monthly visits until she hit 1 year post treatment, followed by 2 month visits, and now we are on every 3 months. This is GREAT but my heart aches every time we turn into the parking garage. Mallory is sweet, and yet lately kind of a spit fire but she rocked it today. She walked in like she owned the place and the only reason why her nurses, technicians, and doctors know who she is, is because I'm with her. This is GREAT. It means we are inching closer to her being called "cured", we hit this milestone May 2015 and I hate to wish away the days but I am looking forward to that day, to that moment, to celebrate, to cry, to laugh, and to start another amazing chapter of our life. Childhood Cancer is so close to our hearts and we will never forget the people that held us close, prayed for us, and cheered us on as we were falling apart. Another visit under our belts, we have to wait for the call tomorrow with her counts but I have learned to deal with some of the anxiety that comes with this waiting time. God is in control of this and I cannot do anything to change this so for now I let go and I put my faith in God that he will pull us through another day, another visit, and another phone call.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Our Girls, Our Life

 Jillian - Four

Mallory - Two

Katherine - New

I did in fact steal these off my facebook so if you know me you've probably already seen them, forgive me for the repeats but my kids are stinking adorable! They also rock pajamas almost all day unless we are required to go somewhere I must have them dressed to act like we don't actually wear pajamas everyday but in all honesty we do, we do pajamas EVERYDAY I can get away with it.

For the record my husband hates instagram, and I kind of love it, so we have to agree to disagree on this :-)