Tired

I haven't written in awhile.
My husband has told me what a good outlet this is for me. (and I agree, it's just finding the time.)

Well today I am not really feeling great, actually I haven't felt GREAT in awhile.
Depression? Anxiety? Overwhelmed?

All three.
It usually comes in waves.
It's been a wave lately.

When it comes down to it, I am just overwhelmed with life.
Having 3 kids, 4 and under is just a lot some days. Lately it's been a lot, a lot of the time.

I think the problem that's been a major kick back for me is that ALL the time I needed, all the time there is a little person hanging on my leg, all the time is their someone needing me. While I have learned to love this some days it's just TOO MUCH and sometimes I need someone. It seems this season of our life is just a really long one. The never ending diaper changes, the clicking in and out of the car seats, the taking on too much in fear of disappointing someone, the little sweet girls with such sass, such loving bright stubborn children, I am thankful and yet completely burned out.

I see women that can just go through life with little kids like it's a breeze and here I am STILL struggling a lot of days to not call into Jillian's preschool so I don't have to leave the house. I actually hate leaving the house, it's become a comfort for me. I am stuck here all the time, I am pleading for someone to just notice how much I am suffering, how lonely I am, how much I just can't seem to escape this awful pain that I feel everyday. How can I be surrounded by three little girls that love me all the time and yet find myself crying half the day away because I just can't get anything clean, I can't get the laundry folded, I can't keep up after a house of 5 anymore. It's just too much. It's overwhelming. Everyday dishes. Everyday laundry. Everyday no end in sight.

I am a lonely stay at home mom. I wish I could get a job, go back to school, but I am afraid that's not the answer. It's not the answer, we can't afford that, I can't afford that, I can't find time to make it to the gym (if you've noticed I've gotten fat again, I know), I can't find time to just take a shower without someone banging on the door, I can't find time to just have silence. I can't find time even for myself and the small amount that I do is just not enough. One minute doesn't equal the day that I am needing. Or the several days. Or just a weekend away.

When you have 3 kids, getting a day off just doesn't happen. It's more work than it's worth.

I feel guilty for feeling this way about being a Mom. I know so many people that would give anything to hold their babies one more time. I feel terrible guilt. It's the selfishness in me that says I can't do it anymore, that I am breaking down, that I am just tired. All the time I am tired.

Journey

I keep going back and forth on what to write. My heart is pulling me here today.

I was asked why I wasn't going to continue writing on our Sweet Baby Mallory blog, the reason is that chapter is done. I am not the same person that I was then. Time to elaborate.

Some miraculously amazing things happened in the last year.

Early 2012 a fellow oncology mom posted a link to a family camp for childhood cancer. So I filled it out not really thinking anything of it. That sounds like fun and after Mallory we could really use a vacation.

A few months later (my mind is kind of fuzzy on the exact time frame) we received our acceptance letter from them. I was reading the information on it, and I said to my husband "Wow it's all free, we just have to show up". We weren't sure how the girls were going to be and I don't think we really understood what we were walking into.

The camp is Starlite Shores, it's mission is to serve families living through childhood cancer, offering them an environment to be relaxed, be renewed, and be restored. CHECK IT OUT! <--- application to be a volunteer or a family if you have a child battling childhood cancer. We have met so many amazing people through this and we just feel such passion in our hearts for what they are doing for families like ours. We were truly blessed to be apart of this amazing experience.

And for us it was life changing, the thing about this was it wasn't just the camp itself (which I can't really put to words how incredible this experience was) but it was the things that happened after we left that really spoke to our hearts.

During Mallory's treatment I couldn't pray, I'm not sure if it was I couldn't or I wouldn't but all I know is it didn't happen. We had a pastor that would visit with us and as he prayed I closed my eyes and just listened, never really able to put my faith in God at that point. When Mallory went in for her first surgery, I took a bunch of xanax and just sat there, numb, not really feeling anything, not praying, I would say I'm praying but to be honest I never spoke a word to God over those 6 months of our lives. I felt a tug here and there as our family and friends kept praying, sending us bible verses, anything and I just kept moving past them. I tried but I couldn't.

We had talked a lot about finding a church, we were invited to many different services when Mallory was in treatment and afterwards but we just never did it. I kept coming up with excuses in my head. I wasn't raised in a family where we went to church every Sunday so the thought is very strange and uncomfortable for me.

My husband was invited to speak at South Harbor (the church that the leaders from the camp attend) about our experience at Starlite Shores. He did a fantastic job, we were really feeling good about going and everyone was so genuinely sweet to us. The mission of the church is "Helping people find their way back to God". <---I really didn't expect this to speak to us they way it has, I didn't think I was ready to let God in. What a big fat lie that was.

The next week we went when they didn't have childcare, this equals us and our non sitting still ants in our pants children being loud, poking the guy next to us, and ultimately led us to walk out in the middle of the service. We just left. There was NO way we were going back and we sat in silence the entire ride to Ryan's parents house after a big blow up. They have you fill out a visitor card, I had never done that before but for some reason I did that day (I'm sure now that this was a God moment). A few days later a woman called me and she must have caught us battling our children on the way out, me giving my husband death stares, and she probably could feel from wherever she was the discouragement and lack of grace we had at that exact moment. . God really pulled me to fill out that visitor card and to answer that phone call.

So we pushed through and made ourselves go again. Getting out the door was a struggled, there was yelling, and children crying and just a disaster. (I was also 6 or 7 months pregnant with Kate). They had child care that day so we signed the girls in and sat down. What we felt was peace, we made it, we were here. As the service went on every song we sang, every word that was spoke really made us feel like this is where we should be. God was speaking to our hearts that day and it just has continued to grow, everyday. . .

So every week since then we've made an effort to go, at this point we were feeling good but a lot of days we struggled. We struggled with the winter crud, with grouchy kids, we are not morning people so to get out the door has been a major challenge. Last week was one of the first weeks where minimal tears were shed by our kids, they were excited, and we made it our the door and to church flawlessly. (We had a repeat this week too!)

I've never prayed like I am now. But this is our new chapter, this is our new beginning, this is something that we feel strongly about. This blog is what God called me to do at this point in our lives. To share our love for Him, to share our children, to encourage others, to really pray, and to put our God at the top of our lives. I'm feeling at peace in so many areas that I have really struggled with the last 2.5 years. It is a peace I could not have found any place but with God.

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

I am glad this season is over and so blessed that the road led us to here.
(and tomorrow is bread recipe sharing day!)

Tomato To - MAHHHHH - to

I stay at home with the kids and during Kate's pregnancy I was L-A-Z-Y. My kids ate so many frozen waffles and grilled cheese it's ridiculous. I did not enjoy Kate's pregnancy (burning ribs, heartburn, and just extreme exhaustion). I am sure it had a lot to do with running after a 3 year old and a 1 year old but it was just really hard to find motivation to do anything. I was up to my eyeballs in laundry, dishes, pretty much everything.

 

We had an amazing garden this past year, only half of it produced vegetables but the things that did survive did REALLY WELL. For our first year we had tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers coming at us faster than we knew what to do with. Most people we talked to didn't get squat, us, we had over 300 of those beautiful ripe tomatoes. So being pregnant and lazy I really didn't want to deal with these, we ate what we could and put gallon size freezer bags. We filled 3/4's of our chest freezer in the basement.

 

I talked to my Mother in law about doing a baking day, but low and behold I had hundreds of tomatoes in the freezer. Not really ideal when you need to store frozen bread. My kids are in love with her bread, they'll eat it for a meal when she sends some home. Not going to lie I love her bread too! So we're baking poppy seed bread, pumpkin muffins (Jillian calls these Birfday Cake), butter pecan bread, and carrot bread. I would make banana bread too but Jillian ate all of my bananas. I will share the recipies after we make them! You won't be dissapointed! So I had no option but to deal with our mass overabundance of tomatoes.

 

So anyways Sunday night I researched canning and found some recipes that sounded good and got to cooking. Do NOT start this process at 8pm at night, we finally finished around 2am and that was only 1 batch. Especially when you think you have everything and end up having to go to Meijer at 10 to get a massive pot because the ones your have won't fully cover the jars. Whoops.

 

 

The recipes I tried came from here ;-)

 

Our house smelled amazing.

 

We spent forever peeling skins, cutting vegetables, and googling "how to can" and each and every step was a big process. The last taste test before we canned was delicious! I haven't actually made anything with them but hopefully we didn't mess it up too bad. I'll be giving a few jars away to some guinea pigs to try. :-) Yes I know you expert gardners and canners are shaking your heads in shame that I froze all those tomatoes and it took me months to actually getting around to using them but I did it and hopefully the labor that was put into them was worth it. If not ohh well. We ended up with 12 pints of pizza sauce, 12 pints and 6 quarts of "basketti sauce".

 

(and yes I am aware these say 2013 but that's when we harvested so I decided to write that on them instead of when we actually canned.)

 

We will be doing a garden again this year, last year was our first time doing it so I think I was pretty overwhelmed but now we have an idea of what we're doing so hopefully it will make the process more fluent. I was going to try to do some Salsa but that was a little overwhelming so I stuck to just Pizza Sauce and Spaghetti Sauce and with research I will hopefully master salsa this summer! I really am excited and now I need to come up with a good game plan for this coming year. Tips, tricks, and suggestions would be awesome!

 

(Kate wasn't loving all the time I took away from her to make our tomatos especially when she won't get any.)

I'll have another post soon, I've been working on it and praying about it.

 

  

Joy, Hope, and Healing

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12

Our Children were given to us for a reason. God.

He gave us Kate because he knew we needed to heal and she has brought that in mass amounts. She brings us healing, so much healing.

He gave us Mallory because he knew we could handle it, that her journey was going to bring us to where we are today. He knew her battle would be the one to break us and to bring us back again. She brings us hope, so much hope.

He gave us Jillian, our first sweet baby as a reminder of his unconditional love. Hearing our sweet girl sing songs to the Lord is something that has taught us that Children are precious and ultimately they belong to Him and we are just borrowing them here on Earth. She brings us Joy, so much Joy.

Ohhh sweet children I wish we could keep you this small forever. I wish we could bottle up your smell . I wish you would never have to hurt, or feel disappointment, or to grow weary...

Dear Lord please let us find a way to breathe our children in., to find a way to nurture them, to love them, and to help us everyday to do the right things for them. We thank you for lending them to us and will do everything we can to raise them to Love You, to know Your word, to obey it, and to really know You. Amen.

I was so angry, bitter, and resentful when Mallory was diagnosed. I would find myself screaming and cursing and just did not fair well through that period in our lives. The thing about that is when I look back at that I am so grateful for many things. Dear Lord I am so thankful. Amen.

My husband was also given to our children, and to me. He brings us Love, so much Love. One thing about marriage, about being with someone, is that you really have to work at it. The minute you stop giving is the minute everything starts crumbling. Ryan and I are survivors, survivors of something that could have easily left us broken and sent us our separate ways. From this we continue to search for healing, we continue to pray for guidance, and ultimately we need God for our marriage. Dear Lord I am so blessed for this man, my husband, that you have given to me. He has brought me such joy, love, and hope. I pray for our marriage that you would bring us closer together, that you would heal us, that you would show us how to Love more like you. We pray to be more God Like. Amen.

Sick Days

So you all have been so great praying for me to get some sleep and sleep I did.

Not in the form I was really wanting. This mom got pink eye and about 24 hours of sleep.

I am on the mend today, my eyes look AWESOME and no I won't be sharing that with you but enjoy a picture of sleeping Kate instead.

It has managed to not get the hubs or the baby which I am VERY thankful for. Keep praying for continued healing and health for them.

We missed church on Sunday and my fabulous Niece's birthday but we weren't about to expose anyone else to this. I am very cautious of bringing my kids anywhere when it is more than just some boogers and a cough. No one wants our germs and we don't want yours either. I think it's part of the Oncology Mom in me that makes me extra careful about this because when Mallory was sick we never left the house. If I ran into anyone that was sick I was darn near bathing myself in hand sanitizer (if you walk into either door in our house we DO have sanitizer on the walls from chemo days). We were very fortunate for her to remain fairly healthy through that period, since she ended chemotherapy unfortunately now she is SICK what feels like all the time. We have dealt with ongoing coughs, colds, bronchitis, ear infections and other sorts of fun stuff like pink eye. Not sure what the deal is but they tell me it has nothing to do with her ending treatment, who really knows. Maybe she would have just been one of those sick kids wiping boogers off her face and smearing it into her hair even if she didn't have cancer treatment. She is however the HAPPIEST sick child, like beaming, and I have been hesitant to bring her in because she really just goes with the flow.

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

I took the opportunity to CLEAN HOUSE. Which for those of you who are new to my nonsense rants (to be honest I'm fairly new to this and kind of love it) but I HATE laundry, like really think it's the dumbest chore EVER. So I spent Sunday, folding, washing, hanging, repeating for what seemed like all freaking day and now the dungeon is clean. It felt really good to get that out of the way. Someone must have lit a fire under my butt because I even (with the help from my husband) managed to clean our storage room. This room was DANGEROUS. Like nails, screws, pieces of wood, pretty much tetanus brewing and waiting to happen at any moment. This is where we store formula, the girls old clothes, and any miscellaneous junk we have. It too looks like a dungeon. After 6 years living here we still had boxes that we've never opened, so open I did, and I managed to come up with a ton of things to donate. My pile is growing! It is a reminder that we need to really think our purchases through and not just buy things to buy things, sometimes I have a big problem with this just because it's on sale doesn't mean we need it. My husband built us these fabulous shelves and I'm excited to be able to really organize!

I started a new project that I am geeked about. We have a spice rack that I'm positive we only used a handful of times because it came with a bunch of junky cheap spices that we had never heard of. So this beautiful spice rack has been on our counter collecting dust. I decided that it either needed to go or we needed to use it with our own spices so we opened all the jars, dumped them, soaked them, ripped the labels off and are in the process of redoing them. I'm sure the finished product with be FANTASTIC!

These are all great label options that we're looking at!

and I joined twitter @fromfreetothree
because I don't have a lot on my plate between my husband, kids, facebook and my blog


P.S I hit 1100 views! I promise you that I did not refresh my page that many times! You guys ROCK! Have a virtual high five!!!

 

Sleep

What's grosser than gross?
Answer : Eye Balls
What's grosser than that?
Answer : Having to put eye ointment near my sweet Mallory's eyeball.

Hello Pink Eye, this is a new adventure for us.

We've done eye drops, ear drops, heck we've even given Mallory shots in her legs daily after she did rounds of chemo but something about eyeballs and rubbing an ointment near them is what grosses me out the most.

Jillian had eye surgery at 16 months old, we did glasses, eye patching, and then eventually ended up with her having surgery to correct her lazy eye (she won the jackpot in vision on top of the lazy eye she has astigmatism and near sighted vision both of which will end her up in glasses eventually again). You should really youtube "strabismus surgery", we couldn't get past the first few seconds of that. Eyeballs = gross. <*can't believe we did that to our kid*>

My husband and I both wear eyeball protectors (lets hope this phrase takes off!). Our entire family wears glasses except my little brother. We're just an awesome nerdy family like that. If the Zombie apocalypse happened and someone broke our glasses, we'd be done for.

I haven't really had a ton of time to update this like I envisioned but I'm sure with time and when Miss Kate is consistently in bed for the night I'll get better but I've been throwing down ideas, little stories, and thoughts. Currently I'm rocking a bath robe over my pajamas, AWESOME hair (like Medusa awesome), and I probably smell but priorities ha. On top of pink eye, Miss Spunky Jillian is rocking a fever, cough, and some major blah's right now. I'm going on about a week or more of broken sleep that equals a crazy Ashley.

This is something that is ROUGH for me, I am not a graceful person when I do not get enough sleep. The problem with this is I am also an insomniac. I've got one of those really cool brains that NEVER shuts off. I've done therapy and they attempted to give me a bunch of suggestions but I've never had success. Even sleep deprived with an 8 week old, here I am, sucking at sleep. Praying for sleep. Oh Lord give me sleep. Then 2 out of 3 of my kids get sick (not the baby *knock on wood*) so the truth is I'm not sure when I'll get a full night and my mental health tends to suffer a lot. I opened my heart when Mallory was sick and suffered a huge mental breakdown after 7 months of severe sleep deprivation. I have to remind myself I am human, not super mom, and sometimes I just have ask for help. I'm not there yet to a complete mental breakdown but I also know I don't want to EVER get back there.

Mathew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
So I am praying for rest, for the healing of my children, and for strength right now. Please pray for me.

Thank you for listening, I love my life even if I have to put eye ointment on my kids eyeball which is totally gross if you didn't catch on to that.

PS: my SD card is full on my tablet and I'm too lazy to upload real pictures because I really should get to that shower now so you'll just have to wait to see pictures of my cute kids for a later day.

What to expect when you're not expecting it.

I remember reading this book "What to expect when your expecting" and then "What to expect the 1st year" and I referenced it to every tiny thing Jillian would do. She was a later bloomer in most things kids do holding her head up, sitting up, crawling, and then walking. She was never "Late" just always at the end of the spectrum and it made me a NERVOUS wreck because of that book.

When I was pregnant with Mallory I read it and not to the extent that I did with Jillian. I had a lot of issues with Mallory's pregnancy I started contractions at 30 weeks and started to dilate so they stopped my labor told me to take it easy yadeyayaya. I really felt as if something was wrong, I told them after many ER trips that something was wrong with her. They didn't do an ultrasound even though I begged them to and I'm not sure now I would have wanted them to because what they would have found is not something you would have wanted. Not that we wanted it 2 months after her birth but we had 2 months where we had Mallory without cancer. The What to expect books touch on this subject but the paragraph is about this big

<

your kid won't have cancer, cancer is children is rare

(that's pretty much what I gathered from this section)

                                                                                                                                                           >

Fast forward to a fabulous arrival of a 7lb 10oz bleach blonde beauty with a huge stomach which at the time was ADORABLE because Jillian was twig baby, long and lanky! I finally got my fat baby so I just loved her tummy! I had a gallbladder attack that ended up in an ambulance ride, IV antibiotics and then they removed it when she was 2 weeks (This is probably the cause for my body being DUMB during pregnancy). She was great at nursing but I thought my supply had tanked from the surgery and recovering so my doctor gave me a prescription for a pill that helps with that, Nope I just walked around with full boobs. Around a month old I'd pump 4 ounces she'd eat 1 maybe. So I brought her back in, try this reflux med, try colic drops, formula, try this that and the other thing. NOTHING would help her, we finally made it to her 2 month checkup and her pediatrician was pushing on her stomach and walked out of the room and came back in again and did it again and he said that he thought she had an enlarged spleen or kidneys and we'd be set up for an ultrasound at our children's hospital to have it looked at.

We set the appointment for the next day at 7:30 because we wanted to get to the bottom of this. As my husband and I are lying in bed we googled "enlarged spleen or kidney" and it said CANCER. At that moment we shut the phone off and laid down. Done, NEVER GOOGLING EVER AGAIN.

That paragraph in that book couldn't help the roller coaster that started the next day, I didn't use it at all and honestly have no idea where it and it's little book friends went and I am happy they are gone. I am a better mom with not comparing my children to these books and how my child should be. My kids have been ALL different, there is no manual to help you with colic, there is no information about double adrenal neuroblastoma in your infant and what to expect when that happens.  There is no manual for Kate that I will be looking into. I trust that I can handle anything that comes our way and I really want to enjoy it without skipping to the next step too soon.

I am winging my parenting and I like it, I like it a lot.
When we spend so much time worrying about what we should do we miss out on so much.
Love today. Love your kids for who they are. You cannot LOVE too much.

Mathew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Candy, Cake, and Diet Coke

Today our kids were FANTASTIC that may have been mostly because I mentioned the word "Party" which my kids live for. Today's party was to celebrate one of our little oncology friends finishing chemotherapy! Wooohooo! It was one of the coolest parties we've been to which included mass amounts of candy, cake which if you walked away from for a brief second and a certain someones 2 year old stole your spot and was mowing down I apologize (not naming names but she's ours), balloon animals, and face painting. Ohhh and this little girl's dad happens to be a dentist, totally blaming my kids first cavities on this party!!!

Jillian did managed to stand in line for a half an hour to get her face painted. She is not one for waiting but she had her heart set on a rainbow. I know need to learn how to do face painting because her next birthday party, I'm doing it!! 

(and I totally instagramed my husband because he secretly loves it!)

This is a BIG BIG BIG accomplishment for our family, like maybe just maybe we can make another public appearance soon outside of church. Watch out world, The "insert insanely cool last name" may be coming to your party next!!!

My kids are "those kids", you know what I'm talking about. The ones that beg for every piece of candy their little blue eyes see. The ones that are sobbing their faces off in the target parking lot because you just gave them a time out before you even made it in the store. They will in fact throw a massive tantrum because you will not let them run wild in the store and you chuck m&m's at them because you're desperate to just get OUT. When you have the luxury of being in the store with us when we are shopping (which isn't often) you can hear me repeating "Watch out", "Come back here", "That lady is not afraid to run you over", "No we can't have that", over and over and OVER again. I actually never bring more than one kid with me because by the end of it I have mascara running down my face, sweat dripping, and I vow to NEVER do that again and that was BEFORE we had Kate. I put grocery shopping with my kids and banging my head against the wall in the same category. It pretty much works out to be just as painful.

We salute all parents with hoards of kids that can make it through the grocery store 

with more grace than we can!!!

I also take 2 hours to grocery shop when I go by myself, 20 of that is actual shopping the rest of it is spent just walking at a ridiculously slow pace to enjoy the peace and quiet (shhhh don't tell my husband). 

I did bring Jill with me to family fare tonight. Every 3 months we bring back pop cans and she LOVES it. I was actually impressed she managed to do 86 cans compared to my 136, not that we had that many or anything. Please please pretend you didn't add up the amount of money that equals. I also really recommend drinking as much pop as you can just so you can experience the pure joy a 4 year old has while returning them. It is EPIC! And yes for the record she did get candy on our way out. How could we not, Valentines candy was 50% off SCORE!

.

If we haven't established this. My name is Ashley and I'm a dietcokeaholic. Hold your aspartame spheal. I've read it, my sister and dad are recovering addicts but me, I'm going strong and am convinced it's the only reason I'm a functioning member of society still. <3 <3 <3

Fat Ashley

Fat Ashley.

I know what you're thinking. Ohhh come on you had a baby 7 weeks ago, you've lost 33lbs, you're looking good.

Problem is there is a HUGE difference between feeling that way. I've had 3 babies in 4 years, my body has changed A LOT. I have never had a problem shedding pregnancy weight, in fact that's been super easy for me. 

I have NEVER felt good about my body, you'll never see me in a pair of shorts, bathing suit shopping is excruciating, and it doesn't matter if I am 140lbs or 200lbs it's all the same, dreadful.

Lets go back to high school for a moment. I went from 210lbs my freshman year to 140lbs my Sophmore year. I was no longer "Fat Ashley". 

There were a few girls in one of my classes who drew a picture of me as a pig my freshmen year. This wasn't the first time someone had done something mean or said something like that. I was teased from the day I started school to my Sophmore year. Till people noticed I was skinny. But this was the moment it really hurt, deep down it cut me, and it has left a horrible excruciating scar. I forgive those girls, they didn't know what they did could hurt a girl for years and years after the fact and still to this day.

Wanna know how I did it? I starved myself, I literally starved myself. I would get sick from not eating and when I did eat that guilt would hang over my head. Why? Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the awful snickers. I couldn't take not being pretty or popular or accepted. I was the fat kid. I haven't told many people this. I always kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. So this is me, this is part of me, a part that really downright sucks at times. 

The fat kid had never left me. I love cake, like really love it and if I wasn't at a birthday party with a dozen other people I'd probably have 3 pieces and some ice cream because I love it so much. I also love candy. I love chocolate. I just love everything under the Sun that you shouldn't eat in excess.

Why am I sharing this? Because I know I am not alone, I know there are many women that can relate to this. 

I don't have plans to run a 5k in the near future, nor does that appeal to me unless you're holding out a piece of cake in front of my face. I do want to share my journey to become the new me whether I lose weight or not. I want to love myself. I want my self confidence to glow so my girls grow up knowing they should love themselves and others. I have a lot to pray about, I have a lot to work through to get where I need to be but I'm glad I can lay it out that takes a heavy weight and makes it so much lighter. I'm praying my big transformation starts here, right now, today and that I am able to find a way to truly love what's been here all along. 

Laundry Smaundry

my day went a lot like this....

which is totally fine to have days like these. A lot of a little crazy.  but I AM EXHAUSTED (this exhaustion seeps in once a week lately and I need a break and some quiet so I can relax and not feel so overwhelmed) so I sent the husband and the girls on their way to Grandma & Grandpa's. I put them in clean pajamas, coats, and boots and scooted those adorable knuckle heads out the door as fast as possible and now I'm off to sleep but first I did write this in my spare time between that Kate up there and between Mal & Jill so enjoy. This was bound to make an appearance at some point on here, might as well get this out of the way now....

I've gotten really good at keeping my house in order lately. To the point where I feel a little guilty I spent so many days of Kate's pregnancy sitting on the couch eating sweet tarts by the truck load and not even caring if we ate mac n cheese for the 3rd day in a row. Lately I've been AMAZING,  all except one tiny thing. 

Laundry. (OHHH YES the great Ashley laundry rant, I know you probably didn't expect it this soon into my blogging career but here it is my friends.) 

 

People that actually like doing laundry, I'd like to know what your secret is? I've had a laundry intervention before (Thanks for trying Kari but I still haven't figured it out!). I just can't do it daily. I'll start on Monday where I promise myself that I will fold every load that comes out of the dryer, by Tuesday I've forgotten about my pact. 

And do people really sort whites, darks and lights? Cause I just stuff as much crap as I can fit in those machines. We don't have high efficency machines, maybe that's the problem. Nahhh, I still wouldn't do it. The only way I'd do laundry is if they could make a machine that was smart enough to fold the laundry after it finished drying, then I'd be excited.

Don't tell my girls the first task I can hand over when they get bigger is folding. I am happy to wash it, dry it, but the thought of folding actually makes me want to burn it and start all over. I am guilty of thinking this every time I step foot in that room. 

Our basket of laundry is so full I have resorted to just throwing it down the stairs hoping that it will walk it's self to the machines. It doesn't. Nope never has. 

I will not post a picture of my laundry room (you can beg all you want, ain't happenin'). It's ridiculous. We have a red painted cement floor, sea foam green walls, and laundry EVERYWHERE. Maybe if we re-did it I'd like it but probably not enough to do the laundry (I can see you Ryan! Rolling your eyes at your crazy wife). 

I just can't get it together. So yes back to your secrets about laundry does it involve fire? If not, it probably won't fix my problem.

Today

My name is Ashley and my life is nuts. (I totally wouldn't have it any other way)

I'm going to start with Today.
Today has been a good day but one that evokes so many different emotions.

Our Sweet Kate who is our third beautiful daughter fell asleep at 10 last night and only woke up once to eat, she is a wee 6 weeks old. When I look at her my heart just explodes with love. Why is 10 a big deal? Well because I have been a Mom for 4 years now, we were gifted with our first beautiful daughter, Jillian on December 30th, 2009 and then we were gifted with colic (If you have never experienced this, I assure you, it's a REAL treat!), then 20 months later we welcomed our 2nd beautiful daughter, Mallory on September 23rd, 2011. 8 weeks later and next to no sleep we had our answer it wasn't colic, our daughter was given a diagnosis of cancer (more on this later). So 10 is a big deal. I am refreshed, my heart is full, and I just can't thank the Lord enough for our beautiful daughter Kate. She is just what I needed to end this chapter of lives, the last baby for our family. We are complete.

<* insert Kate crying and Jillian needing some entertainment because the hundreds of toys we own just aren't cutting it, play dough to the rescue (Mallory is off in dreamland) *>

I have suffered from postpartum depression after each of our children, so my morning routine typically starts off with a Diet Coke and a run to the medicine cabinet for my Zoloft. It really has kept me grounded this time, it has allowed me to be a better Mother and a better Wife to my husband Ryan (who by the way is a rock star and puts up with far too much crap from me).



Today Mallory and I headed off to her 3 month oncology clinic appointment. I was lacking diet coke so we made a pit stop on our way to McDonald's which if you ever see my car we do NOT eat that much McDonald's, all those empty cups, Diet Coke. That's because I do not take my children into the gas station. I would MUCH rather go through the drive through and spare myself that insanity.

Clinic days are tough for me still, we only go every 3 months now but 2.5 years ago we were regulars there. We spent what felt like an eternity running to the Children's hospital with our sweet baby Mallory but to be fair we did what is considered an INCREDIBLY short time in terms of Childhood Cancer. She has endured 2 major open abdominal surgeries, 3 broviac placements, 6 rounds of inpatient chemotherapy, and over 25 sedation's for scans. She was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (never heard of it? Yeah, we hadn't either until November 29th, 2011). The overwhelming sense of dread hits as soon as we pull up, her cancer is in remission, the chances of survival are GREAT for her, the long term side effects are also very few for her and we haven't noticed anything alarming since she ended treatment in May 2012 but the definition of remission in cancer is the state of absence of disease activity in patients with a chronic illness, with the possibility of return of disease activity. For us this meant monthly visits until she hit 1 year post treatment, followed by 2 month visits, and now we are on every 3 months. This is GREAT but my heart aches every time we turn into the parking garage. Mallory is sweet, and yet lately kind of a spit fire but she rocked it today. She walked in like she owned the place and the only reason why her nurses, technicians, and doctors know who she is, is because I'm with her. This is GREAT. It means we are inching closer to her being called "cured", we hit this milestone May 2015 and I hate to wish away the days but I am looking forward to that day, to that moment, to celebrate, to cry, to laugh, and to start another amazing chapter of our life. Childhood Cancer is so close to our hearts and we will never forget the people that held us close, prayed for us, and cheered us on as we were falling apart. Another visit under our belts, we have to wait for the call tomorrow with her counts but I have learned to deal with some of the anxiety that comes with this waiting time. God is in control of this and I cannot do anything to change this so for now I let go and I put my faith in God that he will pull us through another day, another visit, and another phone call.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Our Girls, Our Life

 Jillian - Four

Mallory - Two

Katherine - New

I did in fact steal these off my facebook so if you know me you've probably already seen them, forgive me for the repeats but my kids are stinking adorable! They also rock pajamas almost all day unless we are required to go somewhere I must have them dressed to act like we don't actually wear pajamas everyday but in all honesty we do, we do pajamas EVERYDAY I can get away with it.

For the record my husband hates instagram, and I kind of love it, so we have to agree to disagree on this :-)